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all i really want to do [20 Nov 2007|04:49pm]
still so much to give and nobody to give it to.
i want to go home.
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some bricks now baby, said let's build a home [12 Nov 2007|09:45pm]
today everything turned around and around again. i was grumpy for no good reason in the afternoon until i took five minutes to think. glad i can sit down and realize that i'm being a moron and just put that shit aside.

i'm in the strangest mood these days. i think it has to do with the dark. i've been waking up later and later, lately, and by the time i step outside it's always night. or it might have to do with the fact that i love my life.

so i said hello to brendan, the boy i'd been admiring. i got his number, i called him, i met his housemates. their coffee table is covered in roaches and empty beer bottles and a ganja-leaf ashtray with a little rasta man sitting on the edge. they have posters of marley and floyd and alice's caterpillar all over their walls.

i brought him home with me on friday for a jamaican hotbox. i made him tea and played nick drake and he was in it. i really can't wait to know him better.

i feel almost drunk. my heart is wide open and i am taking everything in. it's getting cold outside but i keep my room warm. and i have so much freedom. it really hit me the other day.

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on a spaceship somewhere [09 Nov 2007|01:26am]
how did my life turn into sitting in the living room of a house full of stoners on aberdeen with the most gorgeous hippie boy i have ever seen?
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blocking out the sun, the sun [04 Nov 2007|09:23am]
tonight i want to listen to there is an end by holly golightly and red bowling ball ruth by the white stripes on repeat, through headphones. for the rest of my life.

i love when my life gets like this. when i have music that's relatively new to me that i obsess over and listen to one song at a time, one day at a time.

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everywhere i go [04 Nov 2007|01:01am]
last night we went to a small party. i can't really tell you what happened because not much did happen but it was a beautiful night and i felt so loved.

at one point, sash and i were listening in on people. there was a stop in the music, the end of one song right before the next one started, and two guys were talking about burlington:
"i'm from burlington. have you heard of burlington?"
"yeah, i know burlington. they've got a great coat factory."

more photos from last nightCollapse )

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how do you feel tonight? [30 Oct 2007|11:31pm]
i am the happiest man alive. i have that in me that can convert poverty into riches, adversity into prosperity, and i am more invulnerable than achilles; fortune hath not one place to hit me.

- sir thomas browne

set my heart at ease [23 Oct 2007|12:30am]
i am behind in everything. i spent six hours tonight reading a book for canadian literature that we've already discussed for the past three lectures. one of which i missed. and i would not have read it at all if we weren't doing a debate on it (worth a huge part of my participation mark) this thursday. i have to write another short story for monday. i have to do two big philosophy assignments before november 12th. i have to study for a midterm. i have to catch up on so much reading. at the start of the year i told myself i was going to be better, read everything i was supposed to, never miss a class for no reason.

i lost my ring, my fucking ring that means so fucking much to me, and my driver's licence--which is going to be really hard to get back because i have no other id with my photo and birthday on it--on friday night because i decided to waste money on alcohol (again) that i later threw up (again). just now i was looking for my pendant and i couldn't find it. there are only two places it could be and it is in neither of those places. this is a slap in the face. this is a thunderously loud voice telling me to straighten the fuck out. that ring means a lot to me. it is actually hard for me to be without it. and i could lose a lot more if i keep living this way. all of saturday i lay in bed recovering. in the evening, tim, stina and scott visited and i popped two e pills and smoked a lot of weed and melted. we played music and it was beautiful but when i tried to sleep i hallucinated instead. after they left i stayed up until 1 in the morning writing a short story that was due today. since when am i that kind of person.


the ghost of you lingers [18 Oct 2007|12:45pm]
the spoon show was beautiful. stina and i were right up at the front, and the duct tape on the edge of the stage made my fingertips sticky. they played don't make me a target and i could not ask for more.

we did a lot this weekend and i felt that it was all very significant as it was happening. i don't think i can describe it in detail. but for the most part i was reminded of where i've been and how far i've come. i recognize the importance of appreciating my friendships. the importance of being sincere and genuine. i really can't remember a time where i felt more satisfied than i do now.

what can i say. this weekend i remembered a lot of things that i haven't thought about for months. it's one of those hairy situations where i just want to be careful. people aren't very careful when they should be.

we watched the darjeeling limited on sunday night and i wanted to cry. i've never seen a more visually intense, beautiful, and personally appropriate film.

yesterday professor morrison kicked my ass. we were discussing pride & prejudice, which i found uninteresting, especially compared to the marriage of heaven & hell. someone pointed out that p&p doesn't deal with major social issues. it doesn't look outside of the lives of the spoiled rich whose only problem is getting married. then professor morrison asked us a question. "what do you think about and worry about more on an average day: finding someone you're compatible with that you can fall in love with, or social issues like famine and aids?" obviously, nobody answered. nobody wants to acknowledge that about him or herself. with that one question, morrison changed my mind about p&p. because it's easy to get behind someone like blake, someone who talks about social issues that are so obviously serious, but austen subtly shows us something that we don't want to see in ourselves. and i am all about seeing what you didn't want to see in yourself. and i seriously appreciate subtlety.

so while i had a great time at u of t this weekend and felt jealous of stina's house and her neighbourhood and her lifestyle, i'm infinitely grateful to have profs at queens who seriously school me.

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daylight is good at arriving at the right time [07 Oct 2007|12:24am]
written friday night (saturday morning) on magazine pages because i couldn't find my journal:

i came home tonight from paul's house at about 4.30 am. tim drove me home while i looked at a book of EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD arranged in order from smallest to largest. at 4.10, we contemplated the possibility of one more bowl but we realized we weren't being reasonable and tim and i said goodnight to aron and paul.

my only class today was romantics, just before getting on the bus home, and i am so incredibly glad i didn't skip it. i hadn't done my readings for the day, since all my time had been eaten up by the essay i had to write for renaissance poetry & prose, so when we started the lecture and i heard the things people were saying in discussion, it was like a really excellent surprise gift.

we talked about blake's the marriage of heaven and hell, how it tells us to free ourselves from the binding rules of the church and follow our natural energies. we have both reason and passion within us. the body is a part of the soul. we should not be restricting and limiting ourselves, striving for something in death, but rather we should be living fully while we are alive.

reading it felt fucking fantastic. so many lines were exactly right:
(because change is so necessary for health.)
(when life becomes something you don't like, change your life instead of torturing yourself. nobody deserves to suffer.)
(i especially love the way this is worded, suggesting giving to others, not taking for yourself.)
(someone who blinds you by always telling you you're right is no friend.)

it was like reading antoine de saint-exupéry's the wisdom of the sands. so brilliant i would have it tattooed all over my skin. AND I GET TO READ BOOKS THIS GOOD FOR SCHOOL. I LOVE MY LIFE.

professor morrison's voice gets high-pitched when he's excited about an idea. professor morrison tells us not to think in black & white. "THINK GREY," he says. he speaks of the poets as wise men, visionaries, prophets. "the unacknowledged legislators of the world." he asks us: "at the end of your four years at queen's, what are you going to do with your english degree?" he answers immediately: "you're going to get out there and change the world." how could i not adore him.

i have focused so much on reason for a while, ignoring desire or calling it suffering. but that's far too black & white of me. both are so necessary. the balance is so necessary. i feel more and more like socrates every day, in that i know i know nothing for certain. change is the only constant. motherfuckin socrates, man.

a gorgeous boy sits on the opposite side of the room, carefully brushing his mop of curls out of his pale blue eyes and raising his hand, first finger pointed up, to make intelligent comments in a warm, calm, comfortable voice. his mouth curls up at the corners like the lips of a lion, like he's always on the brink of smiling a genuine smile.

tonight i stood in the forest behind paul's house sharing a fat two-pape that i'd rolled with tim and aron. we went back inside to the basement and paul asked us what we wanted. i asked for fruit. as aron peeled an orange, i bit into a crisp, sour green apple and chewed it slowly, fulfilling my craving. feeling metaphorical.


written saturday night:

my aunt left for switzerland today, and my mom and i drove to the airport to see her off. we cried when she went through the gate, but she was smiling and ready to go and see her husband and her son and her mother and be with them, all together for the first time in months and months. looking at her sitting there with my mom and her other good friends, she asked me "do you like second year more than first year?" and after i said yes i really thought about it, what a time that was, such a trial, and how different everything is this year. and i was standing there looking at them about to go through the same kind of thing, friends splitting up going their own ways, and i felt so much sympathy.

our friend kaya's grandma quoted someone she'd heard describe goodbyes as little deaths. "he was exaggurating, certainly," she said, "but there's some truth in that."

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just change my life, change my life, change my life, change my life [04 Oct 2007|12:12am]
i find myself consciously trying to loosen my grip on the things i believe. during discussions in philosophy, i pretend that i don't already have opinions. then i see what i agree with.

yesterday i turned 19 and the cashier at the lcbo wished me a happy birthday. that was all i really wanted. brad called and got me drunk by 6 pm and the night turned into a throwing-up, cake-crumbs-all-over-the-floor, sticky-coffee-table mess. but that's how a 19th birthday is supposed to go. no complaints.

this morning as i walked back from an 8.30 class, afraid that i might throw up on the sidewalk, i was reminded that hard liquor isn't really for me. i've also been feeling like i need a break from weed for a little while. there are other things i could be doing and today my body and my head feel so destroyed that i just want to know what it's like to feel completely healthy.

school itself is lovely but the things people do for fun here aren't my favorite. keggers are disgusting, bars are greasy, and there aren't really other options. this weekend is right on time. i want to celebrate with my homies. october is here and it's going to be beautiful.

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got to get you into my life [23 Sep 2007|04:38pm]
in the middle of west street after midnight, i ran with caleigh and my heart woke up and fluttered like a bird.

irmeen visited us yesterday, and i took her and anna-lisa to shauna's house. we sat on the porch with my favorite schoolgirls. irmeen and i chased vodka with lime diet coke and caleigh entertained us with her michael scott impressions. the little ones ran off to find a kegger, so shauna, caleigh and karrie wrapped themselves in blankets and walked back to my apartment with me while i had a spliff, blowing smoke into the dark. we found a hidden path behind caleigh's house and yelled up to her through her kitchen window when she went inside to get a sweater. the neighbours had a trampoline wedged between their house and their fence, and the fence had a huge hole in it. shauna, karrie and i did the only reasonable thing and slipped through the hole to lie on the trampoline, whispering and stifling giggles.

sasheen came to the kitchen window to see what was going on, and i told her to come to my house with us. thankfully, she did. i will always remember yesterday as the first day that i really loved sasheen. she'll drop homework and come outside at one in the morning to run down quiet kingston streets wearing a blanket as a cape.

and caleigh and i ran weaving back and forth in the middle of the road. "my life is nothing but good right now," i said. ahead of us, the lake was ghostly and silver, and green lights washed over the pavement at an intersection.

today i looked up to see one plane trailing a frill of lace, and i finished my first short story since april.

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and that's the way to my heart [20 Sep 2007|11:20pm]
i was trying for almost a week to write something worthwhile for creative writing class, but i was always typing and always stuck and always frustrated. paper saved me. on tuesday i woke up early and wrote the way i haven't since august, with real focus. i set two cups of tea on the window sill to let the breeze cool them and wore out one pencil after another. at this point my bed is covered more by sheets of paper than by a blanket. this is the kind of life i've been looking forward to.

i never thought renaissance poetry & prose would be the first class of the year to really say something to me. i have been feeling guilty, obsessing, for the past few days, over the fact that i don't always follow through on my beliefs. i want something, i feel so much passion for something, but still i do nothing to pursue my cause. i disagree with something, i feel so much disdain for something, but still i find myself doing it. i want to be able to stop myself from straying before i stray, rather than catching myself only in hindsight. today we discussed erasmus's proverbs. the first, an adage to govern all others, is make haste slowly. i read those three words over and over again. they seemed to say to me, exercise your passion and know its urgency, but be careful on the way. they reminded me to be present.

yesterday in romantics class our prof went off on a tangent about right and wrong. "things are never black and white," he said. "people who think they know everything don't know anything. i want you to be confused. people who think in black and white are blind. think grey." i love school. i really really really really really love school.

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i'll be waiting up for heaven [18 Sep 2007|12:11am]
i had a dream that i was at home, because at home actually means in the company of my most loved friends. someone told a joke and i was laughing with tears in my eyes. then i woke up.

today was just the hugest mess of good and bad but it's the end of the night and i mostly feel bad. i called my mom to wish her a happy birthday and she told me about our aunt, how she drove nearly two hours to visit her and bring her sunflowers. she said "i'm happy, today."

professor smart asked me to have a story ready for monday and i am terrified.

sometimes i do wrong when i know so much better. i wonder how often i really AM the things i say i should be. how often am i a hypocrite. i need to change. i have a long, long way to go.

over you, over you [16 Sep 2007|01:04am]
tonight i walked home down clergy street after midnight, feeling safe. caleigh and i had gone to shauna's house, avoiding skunks on the way, to watch harry potter and eat icecream and giggle. i haven't had a night like that since the last time i was at school.

i slept all day after waking up for tylenol and water in the kitchen early this morning. michelle and her parents whispered and tip-toed, trying not to wake up peter. last night i sat in mark and ali's apartment with caleigh and anjali, drinking disaronno and heineken before going outside on the balcony for a spliff in the rain with ali while mark made faces at us through the kitchen window. we listened to zeppelin on vinyl and it was loud and rich and powerful. (i need to listen to more of them. they are exactly what i love in rock & roll.) canadian fizzed softly on my tongue and i was lost, completely appreciating how good the night was. then i felt ill, and went outside to throw up on the roof, and ali brought me water and rubbed my back and i just laughed. she walked me home at 3 in the morning and we found aj passed out on the couch, and when i poked him and asked if he was alive, he just turned over and said "yucky" without waking.

michelle and i spent hours in the park on friday afternoon, reading on a blanket and flicking away ants and other creepy crawlies. last year i never did my readings for my classes but so far i am diving right in. i finished half of ondaatje's in the skin of a lion for contemporary canadian literature, and today i started pride and prejudice for the romantics. i love the way i feel after hours of reading, really sitting down and focusing on the words and getting lost in them. i don't think i'd done that since three summers ago. it's really easy when the writing is as dreamy as ondaatje's. the effect of 8 months of daily reading is going to be beautiful on me.

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no woman no cry [07 Sep 2007|08:15pm]
on my last night at home i met tim, brian and spencer for coffee, and afterwards tim and i drove up to chetan's house. he met us in the back yard with bottles of bud and we spent the night playing jenga and giggling, wrapped up in blankets in the basement. there was really no other place i'd have wanted to be.

i got to kingston around 4 yesterday and when my mom finally left, i started unpacking with this dull uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. i wasn't happy to be here at all until aj came back from a night of drinking to sit in my room and talk about girls until 3 in the morning.

my room is beautiful. the ceilings are high and there is a tall, bright window next to my bed that breathes cool air over my legs while i sleep. i swept all the spiders and their webs out of the corners. i bought a bob marley cd at the sidewalk sale this morning and listened to it while i put up all my photographs of clouds above my bed. anna-lisa is coming over for dinner on sunday. everyone is busy with frosh week but things will pick up soon.

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believing is art [03 Sep 2007|11:20pm]
today chetan took me to the cne and it was purely delightful. we walked through the exhibits and had such satisfying conversation, all day, about art and music and photography and summer and school and parents and friends and philosophy and the future. at the end of the night we rode the ferris wheel and i looked down at the midway lights flashing and blinking below us, toronto's skyline standing just behind them.

i am more present these days than i have been in a long, long time. my focus is no longer on defining myself, and because of that i feel more centered than ever. more than anything i know that things are impermanent, that i can't cement my beliefs, and that i shouldn't expect to discover some magical rules for my life that i can hold on to forever.

i want so much less than i did at the start of this summer. a few days ago i was walking with empty pockets, no wristwatch on, no money, no makeup, and i don't even remember where i was going but i remember feeling very free and very unburdened and very good. sometimes when i have very little i realize that i have everything i need.

i was saying to chetan today - "sorry to sound like dorothy from the wizard of oz" - that there really is no place like home. i know that eventually there will be a moment when i miss these people and these streets and these nights again, even if it's not as bad as it was last year. at the same time i know that being at school again is going to be so good for me. this is the best possible timing. i feel like i didn't think enough this summer because work took up all of my time, and i just want to dive right into philosophy, history, literature. i am ready for mornings of class, afternoons of reading, and nights of writing in bed until i can't even keep my eyes open.

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and an island never cries [29 Aug 2007|01:34pm]
the cottageCollapse )
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i am a rock, i am an island [29 Aug 2007|01:09am]
a winter's day
in a deep and dark december
i am alone
gazing from my window to the streets below
on a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow

i am a rock,
i am an island.

i've built walls
a fortress deep and mighty
that none may penetrate
i have no need of friendship
friendship causes pain
it's laughter and it's loving i disdain

i am a rock,
i am an island.

don't talk of love
i've heard the words before
it's sleeping in my memory
i won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died
if i never loved i never would have cried

i am a rock,
i am an island.

i have my books
and my poetry to protect me
i am shielded in my armor
hiding in my room
safe within my womb
i touch no one and no one touches me

i am a rock,
i am an island.

and a rock feels no pain
and an island never cries.

i am a rock - simon & garfunkel


i love this song because it is beautiful and because it is so ironic. i love the way it feels when i sing along proud and powerful knowing that every word of it is a lie.

a week ago i was sitting on a deck at 6 am crying because my acid trip still wasn't over, because i had not been able to fall asleep all night while the walls breathed around me, because i craved conversation but all my friends were peacefully sleeping off shrooms and k and weed and liquor. finally tim came out to join me and brought coffee and talked to me until everyone else was awake, and i fell asleep downstairs while hot sun streamed in through the broken blinds.

it was an amazing experience. our cottage became a toy house out of a michel gondry film. colours exploded around me. it was the sort of intense, overwhelming and beautiful trip i've always wanted. but it was also the loneliest i have ever been. that night as i sat up alone and waited for the voices in my head to go away, i learned how much i really need my friends. for the longest time i have tried to be someone who appreciates beautiful moments without anyone else in the picture. but nothing is better than sharing it. i have never been more at peace than i was sitting with my head on chetan's shoulder, wrapped up in a sleeping bag, listening to asleep from day on repeat with e warming up my belly. i have never been more at peace than i was lying upside-down on a couch smoking my little porcelain pipe with tim and talking about how good this group of friends is. i have never seen a more beautiful sunset than the one we all watched together, standing on the dirty grey rocks that led into the water.

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it's written on the wind that's everywhere i go [18 Aug 2007|07:42pm]
thursday night i dug around in the locker downstairs with my mom, looking for toys we could bring for a garage sale at sebi's house. i didn't really recall what was down there until i saw it, but every toy we pulled out made me feel like i was bumping into people i used to know a long time ago. every teddy bear. every little plastic dinosaur. and the pink plastic vaccuum cleaner with rainbow confetti in it that flies up and swirls around inside when you push it along on its blue squeaky wheels.

we brought all the stuff to sebi's house last night and i sorted through, dividing it all into piles for 25 cents, 50 cents, a dollar. putting these tiny prices on the things i used to covet so much. remembering how it used to be, the days where just having a stuffed animal could make me feel safe and content and happy.

yesterday night really just reminded me that i should not try to relive the past. we should appreciate our histories for what they were and just let them go. we must always be present. sebi and i smuggled absolut currant and coke from the kitchen and drank in his room and talked until 2 in the morning, feeling warm and relaxed. he said he feels afraid of losing his friends, and i assured him that it's impossible. friends are friends and that's how it will always be. even if you're torn apart you always find your ways back. he told me his parents have home videos of us together when we were eyes-barely-open babies. sebi is the only person i've known for my whole life. now he is moving to switzerland because his dad got a job there last year. he, his mom and his grandma have sold their house and all their junk and one by one they are flying to switzerland to join his dad. sebi's grandma leaves tomorrow morning and sebi leaves next sunday. his mom is leaving at the very end of august and she'll spend her last few days at home in a quiet, empty house. this was the last time i'll see any of them for we don't know how long. but i'm not scared. when it comes to losing friends, i've been through hell and back. i know it all works out.

i gave sebi's grandma the soft doll with blue eyes and brown hair that i had when i was tiny. it plays sweet lullaby music when you pull the string in its back. she's going to give it to her granddaughter in switzerland. i'm happy about that. sebi and i went to the park in the warm sun and the cold wind and i took pictures of him. as we walked back i asked him if he would write to me and send me pictures, and he said he will. i hugged him goodbye today and kissed him on the cheek and told him to be good.

tomorrow morning we leave for the cottage.

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you're all the things i've got to remember [15 Aug 2007|11:49pm]
weeks and weeks of slow work:


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