jess (rainpaint) wrote,

  • Music:

believing is art

today chetan took me to the cne and it was purely delightful. we walked through the exhibits and had such satisfying conversation, all day, about art and music and photography and summer and school and parents and friends and philosophy and the future. at the end of the night we rode the ferris wheel and i looked down at the midway lights flashing and blinking below us, toronto's skyline standing just behind them.

i am more present these days than i have been in a long, long time. my focus is no longer on defining myself, and because of that i feel more centered than ever. more than anything i know that things are impermanent, that i can't cement my beliefs, and that i shouldn't expect to discover some magical rules for my life that i can hold on to forever.

i want so much less than i did at the start of this summer. a few days ago i was walking with empty pockets, no wristwatch on, no money, no makeup, and i don't even remember where i was going but i remember feeling very free and very unburdened and very good. sometimes when i have very little i realize that i have everything i need.

i was saying to chetan today - "sorry to sound like dorothy from the wizard of oz" - that there really is no place like home. i know that eventually there will be a moment when i miss these people and these streets and these nights again, even if it's not as bad as it was last year. at the same time i know that being at school again is going to be so good for me. this is the best possible timing. i feel like i didn't think enough this summer because work took up all of my time, and i just want to dive right into philosophy, history, literature. i am ready for mornings of class, afternoons of reading, and nights of writing in bed until i can't even keep my eyes open.

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