jess (rainpaint) wrote,

  • Music:

and that's the way to my heart

i was trying for almost a week to write something worthwhile for creative writing class, but i was always typing and always stuck and always frustrated. paper saved me. on tuesday i woke up early and wrote the way i haven't since august, with real focus. i set two cups of tea on the window sill to let the breeze cool them and wore out one pencil after another. at this point my bed is covered more by sheets of paper than by a blanket. this is the kind of life i've been looking forward to.

i never thought renaissance poetry & prose would be the first class of the year to really say something to me. i have been feeling guilty, obsessing, for the past few days, over the fact that i don't always follow through on my beliefs. i want something, i feel so much passion for something, but still i do nothing to pursue my cause. i disagree with something, i feel so much disdain for something, but still i find myself doing it. i want to be able to stop myself from straying before i stray, rather than catching myself only in hindsight. today we discussed erasmus's proverbs. the first, an adage to govern all others, is make haste slowly. i read those three words over and over again. they seemed to say to me, exercise your passion and know its urgency, but be careful on the way. they reminded me to be present.

yesterday in romantics class our prof went off on a tangent about right and wrong. "things are never black and white," he said. "people who think they know everything don't know anything. i want you to be confused. people who think in black and white are blind. think grey." i love school. i really really really really really love school.

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